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Thoughts During Terrible Sex


We have all had it happen, Kittens. That one sexual experience that we either choose to forget or our brain blocks it out for us. I found these fabulously hilarious lines from my favorite blogger, The Bloggess, but I’ve added a few of my own. 

Why does it smell like hotdog water in here?
That’s what I get for betting on that damn game!
I wonder if I play dead right now will he stop……nope. Kept right on going. Disturbing.
There should be laws against this.
I should really dust that ceiling fan.

The only way this could get worse is if somebody I know dies right at this moment.

Is it even in?

This doesn’t count.

Shit. I think I heard the remote slide behind the bed.

So If I Call Now, & Order One Gallon Of OxiClean, They’ll Send Me A Free One Too? ONLY THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF 19.99??

Wow. You really think you are doing something, huh?

Should I call an ambulance? Is he having a seizure or is this normal.

Maybe I should go back to my ex.

I’m getting humped on the leg by your dog. He’s doing it better than you.


Oh, right. THIS is why I prefer girls.

I can’t believe I’m letting someone beat me at “Words With Friends” for this.

That’s it. I’m going to have to unfollow him after this.

I could have done this by myself better.


I wonder where Beyonce stores all her wigs?

There’s no way I’m paying for this.

I should have gone home with a burger instead.

Phone ring. Come on, phone ring.

I could SO be playing Call of Duty right now.

I need an excuse to stop this. I got it!” – “Ummm, hold on, baby… I gotta tie my shoe.”

My high is officially blown.

I wonder if I could pretend to have an asthma attack. I’m not a good actor.

Maybe I should fake a cramp…

What in the hell are you doing?

Would it be awkward if I turned on the tv?

Might as well tweet this.

Aren’t we done yet?

I didn’t even know it was possible to fuck up a oral sex that much! Wow. That’s sort of impressive.

Ashton Kutcher is about to jump out this vagina BECAUSE CLEARLY I’M BEING PUNK’D!

I hope he doesn’t think I’m screaming because it’s good.

Is he chewing? Oh no, it’s fine. His dentures have worked their way loose.

I should’ve had a V-8.

Vonda Howard

Vonda Howard is the author of four novels, including the widely popular, D-Cup Dives Series that features sexy, and confident plus sized women. She is also the Editor-In-Chief of Black Literature Magazine. She also enjoys appletinis, gummy bears, Chipotle and all things filled with glitter and sparkles.

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  1. Medina Kerley says:

    Lmao…this is TOO funny!!

  2. Brenda Young says:

    I wonder when my Groupons expire?

  3. I hope that I didn’t incure all of those…smh

  4. Nasta Echevarria says:

    “I got my nail and toes done for this?!?!”

  5. Jeff Judd says:

    ” I missed the game for this. wtf. “

  6. “I took the wingman job way too far.”

  7. Ja'qui Alleyne says:

    Why did I even say I do! I can’t wait to get back to reading my book.

  8. Denise says:

    I lost sleep for this?! or I really hope he doesn’t think he’s getting a round 2 after this. or He too fine 2 b this bad at sex. LMAO!