Breaking On the Curve:

Thoughts During Terrible Sex

fotolia 28783454 Thoughts During Terrible SexWe have all had it happen, Kittens. That one sexual experience that we either choose to forget or our brain blocks it out for us. I found these fabulously hilarious lines from my favorite blogger, The Bloggess, but I’ve added a few of my own. 

Why does it smell like hotdog water in here?
That’s what I get for betting on that damn game!
I wonder if I play dead right now will he stop……nope. Kept right on going. Disturbing.
There should be laws against this.
I should really dust that ceiling fan.

The only way this could get worse is if somebody I know dies right at this moment.

Is it even in?

This doesn’t count.

Shit. I think I heard the remote slide behind the bed.

So If I Call Now, & Order One Gallon Of OxiClean, They’ll Send Me A Free One Too? ONLY THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF 19.99??

Wow. You really think you are doing something, huh?

Should I call an ambulance? Is he having a seizure or is this normal.

Maybe I should go back to my ex.

I’m getting humped on the leg by your dog. He’s doing it better than you.

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

Oh, right. THIS is why I prefer girls.

I can’t believe I’m letting someone beat me at “Words With Friends” for this.

That’s it. I’m going to have to unfollow him after this.

I could have done this by myself better.

STOP MAKING THAT STUPID NOISE.

I wonder where Beyonce stores all her wigs?

There’s no way I’m paying for this.

I should have gone home with a burger instead.

Phone ring. Come on, phone ring.

I could SO be playing Call of Duty right now.

I need an excuse to stop this. I got it!” – “Ummm, hold on, baby… I gotta tie my shoe.”

My high is officially blown.

I wonder if I could pretend to have an asthma attack. I’m not a good actor.

Maybe I should fake a cramp…

What in the hell are you doing?

Would it be awkward if I turned on the tv?

Might as well tweet this.

Aren’t we done yet?

I didn’t even know it was possible to fuck up a oral sex that much! Wow. That’s sort of impressive.

Ashton Kutcher is about to jump out this vagina BECAUSE CLEARLY I’M BEING PUNK’D!

I hope he doesn’t think I’m screaming because it’s good.

Is he chewing? Oh no, it’s fine. His dentures have worked their way loose.

I should’ve had a V-8.

About Vonda Howard

Vonda Howard is the author of four novels, including the widely popular, D-Cup Dives Series that features sexy, and confident plus sized women. She is also the Editor-In-Chief of Black Literature Magazine. She also enjoys appletinis, gummy bears, Chipotle and all things filled with glitter and sparkles.

8 comments

  1. Medina Kerley

    Lmao…this is TOO funny!!

  2. I wonder when my Groupons expire?

  3. I hope that I didn’t incure all of those…smh

  4. Nasta Echevarria

    “I got my nail and toes done for this?!?!”

  5. ” I missed the game for this. wtf. “

  6. “I took the wingman job way too far.”

  7. Ja'qui Alleyne

    Why did I even say I do! I can’t wait to get back to reading my book.

  8. I lost sleep for this?! or I really hope he doesn’t think he’s getting a round 2 after this. or He too fine 2 b this bad at sex. LMAO!

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